Find Yourself

Discovering Your True Self: What Does it Really Mean to “Find Yourself”?

You’ve probably heard someone say they need to “find themselves” and wondered what that really means. Sure, we’ve all been lost before—especially if we’ve relied on Apple Maps to guide us! When we’re lost in that sense, we actually are quite strongly aware of our location, afterall we are very present in those moments. We have lost, not the sense of ourselves, but the sense of everything else… We have lost track of our location in the world.

Searching for Yourself

Some people try to “find themselves” by retreating into nature. This kind of solitude can be healing for a time, but here’s the reality: we develop our sense of self in the context of community. Even the most independent among us form parts of our identity through relationships—by understanding how we are alike, and how we are different from others.

The trick is knowing when outside influences are pushing us away from our true selves, and when they are helping us understand our core design more deeply. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this discernment is cultivated in two important ways: by understanding self as context and by living according to your values.

ACT and Living in Alignment with Your Values

ACT offers practical tools to help us reconnect with who we are at our core. One of its central ideas is learning to live in alignment with your values. Instead of letting fleeting thoughts or societal pressures dictate your actions, ACT encourages you to reflect on what you value most.

A helpful exercise is to think about the moments in your life when you felt most authentic, when you truly felt like yourself. What were you doing? What values were guiding your choices? These moments often hold clues to what matters most to you.

People often believe they don’t know their values, but they’re drawn to them instinctively. The books, movies, and stories that resonate deeply with us often reflect characters or themes that mirror our core values. Once you can clearly articulate and understand your values, they can serve as a compass to guide your life and help you untangle the influences that have left you feeling lost.

Moving Beyond “I Am” Labels

One of the most common struggles we face is the tendency to define ourselves by rigid labels. Statements like “I’m not good at this” or “I’ll always be this way” can trap us in fixed ways of thinking, limiting our growth potential. Psychologists call this cognitive rigidity, and it often leads to feelings of being stuck.

Even seemingly positive labels, like “I am brave,” can be limiting if we cling to them too tightly. Bravery, for example, is not about never feeling afraid—it’s about facing fear. It’s a blend of fear and willpower, never entirely comfortable. If we cling to the label of “brave” too closely, we might avoid facing new challenges out of fear that we won’t feel “brave enough.” Ironically, this can prevent us from being truly brave.

Veterans with PTSD often discover that real bravery involves vulnerability. It takes courage to acknowledge weakness, and true strength comes from facing those difficult emotions rather than suppressing them. As Brené Brown puts it, “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.”

Human beings are dynamic. You are not just one thing—you are many things, constantly evolving. In ACT, this is referred to as self as context—the understanding that we are more than just the sum of our traits or experiences. Instead of identifying solely with our strengths or weaknesses, we recognize and accept our whole selves, which gives us ironically greater control over our actions and choices.

Moving Beyond Limiting Labels

The danger of labels is that they can make you feel stuck in your current situation. A helpful technique from ACT is called cognitive defusion. Instead of getting caught up in rigid labels like “I’m a failure,” try stepping back from your thoughts. For example, rather than saying, “I am a failure,” try saying, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” This small shift creates distance between you and your thoughts, allowing you to view them objectively rather than letting them define you.

Exploring Your Unique Design

Ultimately, discovering your true self is about unpacking the influences and labels that no longer serve you and embracing the values that align with who you truly want to be. It’s about living aligned and guided by your core principles.

Ask yourself: What are the values that matter most to me? How can I align my daily life with those values?

And while self-reflection is important, this process is often easier in the context of community. Sometimes others can see our core design—the values and strengths we can’t quite recognize in ourselves. By engaging with others, we allow them to help us reveal aspects of ourselves that may be hidden or overlooked.

“We evolve only by being in relationship with others.” - James Baldwin