The Struggle Switch

The Struggle Switch: Why Turning It On Might Be the Key to a Fulfilling Life

Imagine if you had a switch on the wall that could instantly turn off all your struggles, pain, and discomfort. Every time you felt overwhelmed, anxious, or sad, you could just flip that switch and make it all go away. You could develop the ability to just turn off the struggle switch and wouldn't feel anything unpleasant. Sounds tempting, right? But here’s the question: If you had this switch, would you ever turn it on?

Most people would say “no” without a second thought. After all, who would willingly choose to struggle, to feel pain, or to experience discomfort? It’s natural to want to avoid these feelings, but what if turning that switch on every once in a while could actually lead to a richer, more meaningful life?

A Youthful Wish: A Life Without Pain

A few years ago, I was speaking to a group of teenagers, asking them what they wanted most out of life. Most responses were typical—happiness, success, love. But one girl’s answer stood out to me. “I just want a life without pain,” she said. Her words hung in the air, resonating with the deep, universal desire we all have to avoid suffering.

This desire is not unique to her; it’s something we all share. From a young age, we learn to shy away from pain, to seek comfort, and to avoid anything that might hurt us—physically or emotionally. But in our quest to avoid pain, are we also avoiding the very experiences that could make our lives most worth living?

Why We Avoid Pain: The Nature of Experiential Avoidance

It’s in our nature to avoid pain. This tendency is known in psychology as “experiential avoidance,” which means doing whatever it takes to escape or avoid unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or experiences. It’s why we distract ourselves when we’re sad, or why we shy away from challenges that might bring failure or discomfort. Often this pull towards experiential avoidance is subconscious. We end up driving into the same ditch and wonder how we got there. As Carl Jung once said, "Until we make the unconscious conscious it will drive our life and we will call it fate".

Experiential avoidance is like keeping that struggle switch turned off all the time. While it might protect us from immediate pain, it comes at a cost. When we avoid negative emotions, we also miss out on opportunities for growth, connection, and learning. It’s like trying to live life in a bubble—safe, but ultimately unfulfilling and disconnected from life. The feeling of numbness is not the pinnacle of emotional health.

Experiential Avoidance in ACT: When Is It Okay, and When Is It Harmful?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us that while avoiding pain is a natural response, it can become problematic when it starts to dominate our lives. This doesn't mean that Experiential avoidance is always harmful. It is okay in small doses—like when we need to take a break after a tough day or protect ourselves from overwhelming situations. But when we make avoidance our default response, we risk missing out on the greatest aspects of life.

The phrase “no pain, no gain”, while looks great on a gym wall, can be harmful if taken too far, leading us to believe that we must constantly push ourselves through pain to achieve anything worthwhile. However, pain can also be a sign that we need to rest, have an injury, or are facing a new limit. Breaking through is part, but so is listening to your body. So much in life is about balance which is why in ACT we practice psychological flexibility. The key is not to avoid pain altogether but to understand when it’s necessary to face it and when it’s okay to let it go.

The Benefit of Negative Emotions: Finding Sweetness in the Bitter

Negative emotions, though uncomfortable, often carry hidden benefits. In her book Bittersweet, Susan Cain explores how sadness and longing can lead to deeper creativity, empathy, and connection. She argues that embracing these “negative” emotions can open the door to a more profound appreciation of life’s beauty.

For example, feeling sadness after a loss can deepen our gratitude for the relationships we still have. Anger can fuel our passion for justice. Even anxiety can sharpen our focus and drive us to prepare for challenges. These emotions are not just obstacles to be avoided; they are integral to the human experience and can lead to unexpected growth and fulfillment.

The Power of Choosing to Turn the Struggle Switch On

So, what happens when we choose to turn that struggle switch on? When we stop avoiding and start embracing the challenges and discomforts that come our way?

Turning on the struggle switch means choosing to engage with life fully, even when it’s hard. It’s about being willing to experience the full range of human emotions, knowing that doing so will lead to a richer, more meaningful life. This doesn’t mean seeking out pain for its own sake, but rather accepting that pain is a natural part of any worthwhile endeavor.

Hooking and Unhooking: Managing Our Relationship with Pain

In ACT, there’s a concept called “hooking” and “unhooking.” When we’re “hooked,” we’re caught up in our thoughts and emotions, letting them dictate our actions. We might avoid a difficult conversation because we’re hooked by fear or procrastinate on a project because we’re hooked by self-doubt.

“Unhooking” means recognizing these thoughts and emotions without letting them control us. It’s about acknowledging their presence but choosing to act according to our values, not our fears. When you choose to turn on the struggle switch you are in essence hooking yourself, which can make it easier to unhook as well. Instead of letting life happen to you passively, you are leaning into your emotional processing with purpose and acceptance.

Scheduling Sadness: A Practical Approach

One practical way to practice unhooking is to schedule time for your emotions. For example, set aside 15 minutes to fully experience sadness. During this time, let yourself feel whatever comes up without trying to change or avoid it. Cry, journal, look at photos, listen to music—whatever helps you connect with that emotion.

Once the time is up, practice unhooking by shifting your focus to something positive. Engage in an activity that brings you joy or gratitude. This could be spending time with a loved one, practicing a hobby, or simply reflecting on what you’re thankful for.

Here’s how to try this exercise:

1. Set a Timer: Choose a time of day when you can be alone and undisturbed. Set a timer for 15 minutes.

2. Immerse Yourself in the Emotion: Use this time to fully experience your emotion. Let it wash over you without resistance. Notice how it feels in your body, what thoughts come up, and what memories it brings.

3. Unhook and Shift: When the timer goes off, take a deep breath and consciously decide to unhook from the emotion. Choose an activity that uplifts you, whether it’s going for a walk, calling a friend, or practicing gratitude.

4. Reflect: After the activity, take a moment to reflect on how you feel. Notice any shifts in your mood or perspective.

The Importance of Turning On the Struggle Switch

Turning on the struggle switch every once in a while is essential for growth. It helps us build resilience, learn from our experiences, and connect more deeply with others. By allowing ourselves to experience pain and discomfort, we also open ourselves up to the joy, love, and fulfillment of living a life aligned with our values. Paradoxically we will develop emotional regulation and be able to experience our emotions more deeply but in a way that doesn't take control of our lives.

So, the next time you’re tempted to flip the switch off and avoid the struggle, consider what you might gain by leaving it on. It’s not about seeking pain, but about embracing the full spectrum of life—knowing that within the struggle lies the potential for transformation.